Wednesday, October 21, 2015

bipolar, my hidden demons. Disordered feelings

Bipolar, a pain I can imagine because I have it, I've been diagnosed since I was age 24 I'm now 31 years old, so a late diagnosis. Bipolar has ruined my life, I rarely feel true happiness, only a euphoria that isn't real. A high that can last for days but not for a life time that others wish for. Bipolar has made me wish to commit suicide, to end it all.

Life has never been black and white, always intermingled with grey, browns and whatever shadows that come between. Forever searching for the now, even though life itself is just random, and not so perfect.

Feeling imperfect yet trying to perfect, 24/7, my brain is clogged like how pores get clogged with pus and scream with irritated acne. Feeling so caught up, yet so disconnected at the same time. Almost like trying to extract a wart, you scrape and dig.

Clinging to a normalcy that just isn't there, I make it up in my mind, forever clinging to a world of hope. The darkness can suck you in, however there is also a world of light heading towards you at a lightning speed.

It can pound you into the ground, or sky rocket you to the sky, bipolar depression can have its moment of glory. Feeling elated, creative, sexy and like a goddess. Though it also has its demons, peaking around the corner.

Forever feeling guilty, like I am not worthy enough to be in my own skin. Feeling the skin burn when I've been in it too long.

Bipolar, I love it, and loath it. I live with it.

Have any of you had feelings or this kind of disorder?

Hugs Jess


  1. Thanks for making this brave post. I have severe depression and it too has pushed me to suicidal ideation. It is the worst, yet I can't imagine having the euphoric highs on top of it that you would. Hang in there x

  2. Hi Candice thank you hun, I'm so sorry you go through depression as well, suicidal ideation is the scariest thing isn't it? I think we all try to learn to live with what we have. Lots of love. Hugs


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